Free guide
How Do I Actually Bring This Up?
A short guide for the son or daughter who's ready, but hasn't told anyone yet.
Why this exists
You've thought about this. Maybe you've even looked into it properly, filled in a form, had a call. And now there's a version of you that's signed up in your head, and a version of your family that has no idea any of this is happening.
That gap is normal. It's also the exact point where most people go quiet.
Not because they've changed their mind.
Because they don't know how to say the sentence out loud.
This is that sentence. And the six things people usually say back.
Before you say anything: know your why
Don't open with "I've booked something." Open with why you want it. If you're clear on that, the rest of the conversation looks after itself. If you're not, every question they ask will knock you off balance.
So before you bring it up, sit with this for two minutes. Imagine saying them to your parent(s). Which of these is actually true for you?
- —"If I'm honest, there's so much about your life that I don't know - you may not have told me, I may not have asked, so this is a way to fix that"
- —"I want to hear the stories of your life, in your own voice, not my memory of them, while I still can"
- —"I think about my grandparents and realise I know almost nothing about them. I don't want that to happen with you too."
- —"I want to know where I actually come from. The history, the "why am I like this.""
- —"I want to say thank you properly, out loud, for everything you've done for me."
- —"I want my own kids, and whoever comes after them, to know you as fully as they can. Not just me."
- —"I want us to feel closer. Not in a big dramatic way. Just closer."
- —"I want you to look back at everything you've done and feel proud of it."
- —"I want something that lasts. Something my kids can put on in twenty years and hear you again."
Pick the one that's true, or write your own. That's your opening line. Not "I've signed up for something." That one.
If you want to download a copy of this, I've put it in a guide here.
"I don't think I have anything interesting to say. I didn't really do much."
The blocker: They think their life is too ordinary to be worth an hour of someone's time.
The truth: Nobody thinks their own life is a story. It's just Tuesday to them. That's exactly why it needs to be helped out by somebody else.
The script:
"It may not feel interesting to you, but it's interesting to me. You're my parent, I love you, and I want to understand you from more angles than just 'parent'. Part of what this is, is me getting to properly sit with everything you've actually done. Raising a happy, healthy kid, for one. And everything else that never gets said out loud because nobody asks. There are stories in you that only exist because you remember them. If you don't tell them, they're gone, and I don't want to lose them."
"Why don't you just ask me yourself?"
The blocker: They think this is a strange, roundabout way to do something you could do over Sunday lunch.
The truth: You could. You've had 40 years to. So has your dad, your mum, whoever it is. If it was going to happen at the kitchen table, it probably already would have.
The script:
"I could ask you myself, and I have, bits of it, over the years. But there's something about someone who isn't me, who's trained to listen properly and doesn't already think they know the answer, that gets you talking in a way you don't with me. I've heard people do this with their own mum and get stories she'd never told her own kids. It's not that you wouldn't tell me. It's that I'm too close to ask the right question at the right moment."
"Is this because you think I'm dying?"
The blocker: They hear "record your life story" and think you're preparing for a funeral.
The truth: This is about living, not dying. It's what you do with the time you've got, not what happens after it.
The script:
"No, and I get why it sounds like that. This isn't about you dying, it's about us living. It's not a memorial, it's a celebration. A few conversations while you're here to have them. I want to know you better now, not remember you better later."
"Is this therapy?"
The blocker: They picture a stranger asking them to relive their childhood on a couch, digging for trauma.
The truth: It's not. There's no diagnosis, no analysis, nothing being "worked through." It's a conversation, guided well.
The script:
"It's not therapy. Nobody's analysing you or trying to fix anything. It's someone asking good questions and actually listening to the answers, which sounds simple but almost never happens to any of us. Nobody's going in looking to dig something up. We're after stories, not skeletons."
"What if they ask about the things I don't want to talk about?"
The blocker: There's a specific memory, or era, or person, they're scared will come up. And once it's a stranger asking, they feel like they've lost control of where the conversation goes.
The truth: They haven't. You get to draw the map before anyone sits down.
The script:
"You get to tell the interviewer, off the record, what's off limits before you even start. Flag it beforehand and it stays exactly that: off the table. Nothing gets pushed. This isn't investigative journalism, nobody's digging for a scoop. It's stories, not skeletons. If something sensitive comes up naturally anyway, it's handled gently, and you're always in control of what you say and what is kept in the recording."
"I don't want to say all this to a stranger."
The blocker: Talking about your life to someone you've never met feels exposing, especially if you're private, or from a generation that doesn't "do" this.
The truth: It's a stranger the first time you speak to them. After that, they're just the person who's genuinely interested in your life, which is rarer than you'd think.
The script:
"I know it feels odd to open up to someone you don't know. But this whole thing is completely private, just for us. Nothing ever gets shown to anyone outside the family without you saying yes to that first. The interviewer and the whole editing team sign an agreement not to share a word of it, and it's not in anyone's interest to. It stays exactly where you want it to stay: in the family. And before any of it starts, we all get on a call together as a family, so you can meet him and ask him anything you want about how it works."
If you're still not sure
Here's the guarantee: if you get into it and it doesn't feel right, you can call it off after the first recording. No hard feelings, no questions asked.
In 38 families, nobody's ever taken us up on it.
If they still say no
Don't push. Leave it on the table and step away from it. Most people who eventually say yes needed to hear it more than once, in their own time, without being chased. That's not the conversation failing, that's just the pace it needed.
If they say yes
You've done the hard part. The rest is just booking sessions and showing up.
If you're the one who's already looked into this and just hasn't had the conversation yet: book a call and we can talk through exactly how to bring it up with your family, specifically.
Good luck!
Neil